How to Tell Your Wife She’s Fat

A help-yourself to a leaflet by Solomon Mandrake

I get a lot of letters. Some of them I reply to, some I open but none of them ever say “Solomon. How on earth shall I tell my wife she’s way too fat?” It’s strange that this can be true, but it is true and that’s why I’m calling it…

Britain’s last taboo

Many men feel ashamed of their fat wife, and tend not to speak of their wide bride in public. These men are wrong. A gentleman should always be proud of his better half, even if she is also a much bigger half.

A husband should not resort to slurs on his spouse’s appearance, for example by referring to her as “the old butterball and chain”, or “my chubble and strife”. Instead he should love her, tell her she’s beautiful… but at the same time let her know she’s not as beautiful as she was before she got so big-sized.

It’s not all her fault

Let’s face it – your wife can’t help it if she likes crisps, cake and chocolate. It’s in her nature, she’s a woman. And now it’s in her enormous belly and it’s taking up too much room in YOUR house.

But however you approach the problem of telling your wife she is overweight, you mustn’t lay all the blame at her feet. Her open mouth is mainly at fault.

Does she even know?

Perhaps your wife isn’t even aware that she is fat. Perhaps, for the sake of a quiet life and so as not to be late for social engagements, you have habitually told your wife she looks “lovely in that”. This can be a good tactic under normal circumstances but BEWARE. This course of action can all-too-easily lead to “her indoors” becoming “her stuck indoors until the helicpoter comes and airlifts her through the roof to the fat wife divorce court”.

Let her know gently

Plant the idea of weight loss subliminally in her mind. Choose your moment carefully. For example:

Consider some practical things you can do to help her, like buying fresh fruit and vegetables. Or perhaps hide a few essential household objects (e.g. remote control, tin opener) in her rolls of fat to illustrate that her weight is becoming a problem to you.

Buy a pack of post-it notes and stick them around the house: in the fridge, on the biscuit tin, inside her huge underwear. Some words you might consider using are:

Bloater     Lump     Fishwife       Elephant

  Pat Butcher       Dungarees      Divorce

Remember: If you love her, hide her crisps. She’ll thank you for it in the end.

I do hope that’s been of some help.
Professor Mandrake.

Next month: How to tell your gran to shave.