Here's something wizard you can make like I first did in 1989 when I was playing as the warlock, in Warlock, the film about the warlock, in which I played the lead. I made it for my supporting actor (and my biggest fan) Richard E Grant, who is always chasing me around, but you can make it for anyone who likes you.

You will need:
Squirty liquid bottle (x 1)
Bible
Water

1. During lunch, tell your friend (e.g. my fan and co-star
Richard E Grant) that you’ve got an idea for a weapon he can use on you in the film. (If you’re not in a film, you could try saying a different word here instead, for example “supermarket” or “park”).

2. When your fan asks you "what the fucking bejesus" you mean, run around and find a cold tap and start reading to it quickly from the bible. Keep going until you're sure the water's become all holy.

3. Think clerical.

4. Now take the squirty liquid bottle and fill it right up from the tap. Careful - don't get any holy water on your hands – it will burn your demonic flesh!

5. Think safety!!!!!!!!!!

6. Give your “holy water gun’ to the one who hunts you (in my case, tall actor Richard E Grant), and then knee him in the nuts.

7. Now run away.

Next time if they let me: "Jack and Scarer", my guide to frightening your pursuer (e.g. high-brow Argos actor Richard E Grant) away.