Jamie's Christmas world of festive, yuletide cats.

Hello again! It’s me. I’m back and here’s your extra special Christmassy report from the beautifully strange world of the cat.

I’ve been on all fours these last couple of months, using my showbiz whiskers to sniff up the hottest feline gossip and boy have I got some crackers for you! Sit back, relax and let the pussy talk commence…

First up, I’ve only had another letter! MR C.FUPPY from Crewe has written in, in some distress, asking what he should give his tabby CURTIS for Christmas. Well, this is a question I’m asked every year and I always give the same answer – time.

D'ARTAGNAN - the Cannes pussy recently crowned France's "Monsieur Cat Gaye".   Top: artist's impression of ALDO from Assisi. Below: some actual catty scabs.

You can shower a cat with plastic mice and tartan-effect collars till you’re blue in the face, fact is, it won’t make ‘em purr any louder. What MR FUPPY (and the rest of you too) need to provide this Yuletide is a little bit of good ol’ TLC. Take time to talk to your cat, and look like you’re interested in their responses. They can tell if you’re listening – and that’s true.

News time. D’ARTAGNAN, an 8-year-old tortoise shell from Cannes, has been crowned France’s first ever "Monsieur Chat Gaye" (Mr Gay Cat). At a lavish ceremony the lucky chap was picked out of a final group of 15 homosexual French moggies for his immaculate grooming style and unbeatably sarcastic purr. Congratulations D’ARTAGNAN!

Strange events in the Italian town of Assisi, where 2 year old black and whiter ALDO has been creating quite a stir. 2 weeks ago, bleeding wounds were found on the poor cat’s paws just like the wounds of CHRIST, and locals have claimed that he is the world’s first stigmatic feline.

THE POPE has apparently visited and had a reverential stroke of the sacred pussy, although the Vatican is hesitant to confirm miracle status until investigations into a local hot tin roof have been completed. I’ll keep you guys posted on this story, which could be the biggest cat/religion crossover since ASLAN.

Any-hoo. That’s it for now folks – time for me to sign off. Until next time remember… (and I know this is controversial) a dog is just for Christmas!