The bible tells us "Ye and for 12 days on Jesu's birthday God did nail His son to a pine until He cried like a fairy, and on the 13th day to alleviate His guilt The Lord did ride off on a sledge bestowing gifts upon all children like a latter day Jimmy Saville". (Luke I,iv,3).

It's in celebration of this event that we do Christmas Do's - which is very much "the big one" in terms of your church's activities for the year. So make sure you stock up on candles, crisps, carols, choristers and Roman Catholic condoms well in advance because the flock will be descending on you on a mass, and all at the same time, and they'll probably be pissed up on booze.

Christmas at home is all about celebrating Jesus's birthday through re-enactment of the Christ family's domestic spats. And through the holy watching of Fools and Horses. Also around Christmas there's lots of eatings-up and drinkings down. Religion is the opium of the massive, said someone, and he was right: fat people love religion almost as much as chips, and religious people love food almost as much as they hate gays.