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Forsyth's Aga. Trendy
ITV1 has unveiled plans for a sure-fire ratings
bulldozer that is set literally
to set television sets on fire this
summer. The cause of this great big load of possible
burned screen, curtains and carpet? Bruce Forsyth,
yes that’s who.
The wiggy, bum-chinned beanpole
smugster (real name Brewster Forstworth) has created
his own new concept for a family show and TV execs
have been speaking in hushed tones in to mobile
‘phones for weeks now about Brucie’s
new smasher.
“Forsyth’s AGA”
will be a genre-straddling hotpot of Saturday
evening gameshow and Tuesday night cookery fest,
to be screened on Thursdays.
Set in a mock-up of the vocally-compromised
star’s own palacial kitchens, the show pits
two teams of teenage sisters against each other
- and the clock - in swimwear - as they answer
a series of food-based questions whilst cooking
Brucie’s dinner for him on his chrome fronted,
Philip Stark-designed AGA.
The show starts with both teams
having a “Prizes Pot” bubbling away
on Brucie’s AGA, and for each question answered
correctly, the contestant will be awarded a random
ingredient from “Brucie’s Bag”.
Each ingredient will earn the team a prize –
ranging from five pounds (for an onion) to twenty
(for a tomato).
Good aim, good game
The team with the most ingredients
accumulated at the end of the round goes on to
take part in “Good Aim – Good Game!”,
while the other team watches from inside a big
fridge.
This fast-paced, thrills ‘n’
spills round sees one sister running about dressed
up as an edible wild animal (deer, grouse or bull)
while the other attempts, blindfolded and with
headphones on, to hit her with rubber-tipped arrows
loosed from a crossbow. If one or more
arrows hit home then it’s on to the money
game.
In “Its nice to see you
– to see you RICE” - the climax
of the show - the remaining two sisters attempt
to grab enough rice to complete Bruce’s dinner
from a large glass mixing bowl containing uncooked
rice and maggots.
For every grain of rice the
hapless team manages to chuck into their Prizes
Pot, they get one pound, BUT for every maggot
they lose five pounds. The frantic scenes of sisters
sifting for cash against the clock promise to
be amongst the most exciting yet seen on ITV1.
In a troubled year for the ailing
station it's good to see ITV1 finally onto a winner
that entertains its loyal audience without, as
so often has been the case, blinding them with
fucking science.
Brucie
FACTS
- Brucie
is 3rd in line to the throne of Thailand following
his little known dalliance with a young Royal
ladyboy in the 1980s
- “Forsyth’s Lager”, a high alcohol
beer created and marketed by the great man,
is the most popular tipple amongst Glasgow’s
homeless community
- Although famous throughout
the world, Brucie is notoriously shy. When shopping
in his home town of Haslemere he sports a stetson
hat and clown’s nose in a bid to confuse
fans
- Although he has been married 10 times, Bruce
has never been on honeymoon
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