Three, Two, GUN.

Ted Rogers, cuddly quick-fingered ex-host of ITV's "3-2-1", violently passed away last night from gunshot wounds to the face. Rogers, 64, was shot dead by police in a raid on his Brixton bedsit after reports of screaming inside were heard outside, and then themselves passed on to the emergency services in something like a loud whisper or a soft shout.

Sargeant Harry Miscarriage was the first on the scene. "Upon entering the flat we encountered a typically sickening scene of domestic sex violence," says sargeant Harry. "Rogers was drunk on gin and cheap jokes, and his wife and former TV-sidekick Dusty was tied to the bed with nothing but a sexy grass skirt on. After considering things carefully, I shot Rogers four times at close range and took Dusty home with me."

A ten-minute obituary for Rogers entitled "3-2-1 Gun Salute" will be screened tomorrow at 2am on ITV2.

Sargeant Harry Miscarriage and Dusty Bin are currently appearing alongside Jim Davidson in Dick "Nick Nick" Wittington at the Birmingham NEC.

Shouts of "Oy!" and
tears of "Shaft 'er"

Top 80s comedy man-and-wife team Russ Abbott and Bella Emberg have often been the hapless victims of domestic violence. The police say they have lost count of the amount of times they’ve had to "go round and calm things down".

Police reports show that Mr Abbott once caught his wife Bella in bed with Freddie Starr and most of the Rolly Pollies. Mr Abbott allegedly called his wife a "fat cow", told the Rolly Pollies to "sod off" and started a mock Scottish "see you Jimmy" argument with Mr Starr.

In retaliation Mr Starr ate Mr Abbot's hamster and then scarpered in a funny way.