The numbers just don't add up.

Mathematicians with their large heads and quick thinkings have lately been having problems adding up equations, or so it seems. An irreparable shift in the whole system of numbers from 1 to whatever has sent the previously thought immovable values of digits into liquidation - except for "number two"s, which are still solid.

The discovery of a new super-number somewhere in between 31478 and 31479 has sent shock waves through the whole system of integers, placing them all out of a sync and rendering any old numbers still in use obsolete.

As soon as the numerical knock-on effect knocks onto the streets of Britain money could become useless as its value fluctuates forever, like a yo-yo. Door numbers will ceaselessly alter and phone bills will catch fire in BT's typewriters as people keep dialling the “wrong” numbers, trying to complain to Channel 4 about Countdown. Time, measured in seconds, minutes and hours, will become rubbish, rendering watches both digital and hand-wise useless, and everyone will have to buy cockerels to get them out of bed in the morning instead.

So it looks like bad luck for all people working in the number industry including accountants, stockbrokers and Danny La Rue, but good luck for chicken farmers, once again.