New York, New York - so good they whacked it twice. Some sicko's idea of fun. Here at Idiotica we believe this game should be banned, burned and bombed or better still bashed to bits by bloody big Boeings.   Reporter: Special words from a confused Vangard Roar.

Remember remember the 11th September. Nope. Can't. What?

It’s big shake ups and clamp downs all over Statesidewisewards as we approach, at speed, the 1st anniversary of the demolition, by planes, of the World Trade Center (sic) in New York.

But as sick beardy-weirdy terrorists the whole world over plan the biggest and baddest shackalacka shindig this side of Ramadan to celebrate, America itself is wearing a distinctly different kind of a hat – a cheap, felt hat of heartfelt denial, delusion and diary deletion.

Operation “Forgive and Forget, But don’t Forgive. Just Forget.” which begins this month, aims to help reduce the emotional battering expected to hit Americans as “that date” looms.

A monumental change to the American calendar, this complex operation will be achieved in phases, beginning this month - with a monumental change to American calendars as the date September 11th itself is cancelled until further notice.

Date manufacturers Lett’s have won the contract and already begun recalling millions of diaries deemed to be "stiffing the world" with their hard-backed and hard-nosed reference to the unmentionable day.

Phase two will see the introduction of a second September 10th – in between the first September 10th and September 12th. This will be known as September 10th Part 2, and will be just like the old September 11th, but without any terrorism in it. A special memorial service for September 11th, during which the day will be ceremoniously buried, is to be held on September 10th Part 2 at ground zero, at about half past ten.

What else?

Other memory easing measures set to erase the misery of the Americas are in the process of being taken up and having something done about them too:

1) The pop band 911 have reportedly been forced to change their name to a less history sensitive 919 – specifically to avoid the reference to the September 11th atrocities.

2) Cheapo crummy tat peddlers 7-11s will now be open until midnight each day as the very presence of the 11 in their name has been deemed too “close to my bone” for some – resembling as it does the number "11" in the date of the dreadful events on 11th September last year in New York, which you may have heard about, as it was on the news (towers collapsed, people died etc.)

3) Top posh German car wizards Porsche have withdrawn all unsold models of their mega swish sporty Porsche 911 vehicle – because the name is identical to the date of the harrowing scenes witnessed in New York a year ago (on 9/11, September The Eleventh).

4) All hotels, motels and top whack dirty mac shacks which have a room number 911 are to blow them up and then ignore them. If no room 911 is present, they are to be built quickly and then blown up. This is to avoid any upset which could occur due to this number being the same as the date of the attacks against freedom and flags last year, which took place on September 11th, which is sometimes written 9/11, which is a bit like 911, if you remove the "/".

Following an overwhelming barrage of questions from worried Virgoans, Idiotica can confirm that people born with birthdays on September 11th will remain the same age now as they will forever.

We can also reveal that small-faced mopey bald popstar Moby is particularly inconsolable about this decision as he had a big party planned for his 21st this September 11 and has lost the receipt for his cake.