Caught between Iraq and a hard place: Bush and Blair want to get their greedy mits on Saddam's greasy bits. Of oil.   Writer of this: Vangard Roar reports, wearing a Don’t Attack Iraq pac-a-mac on his back under his ruck-sack.

OIL be the judge of that!

Spokesmen with specs on in 10 Whiting Street and the Downhouse swear the war waging down hard on big bad Baghdad is “bloomin’ well not about crude oil, alright?” - and maybe that’s so. But what about other oils, like sunflowers, massage and cod’s liver?

It’s a question that nobody seems prepared to answer, let alone ask, but we’ve done just those, yes. Here at Idiotica Towers we are now utterly convinced this war is all about:

• BABY OIL
Blair's stocks are low, according to sources, and he's still extremely fertile. Cherie needs that Iraqi baby oil NOW, and Tony will have to risk his political career to get it if he wants to 'get some' sex on in the bedroom up her.

• COOKING OIL
Cowboy Bush loves nothing more than a big beefy BBQ bash with his best friend's Colon, but with all this war talk he hasn’t had time to go down the shop for months. Iraq is sitting on an arsenal of aerosol oil sprays, and Uncle Sam is burger-hungry.

• OIL OF OLAY
How does Saddam do it? As Bush and Blair enter their wrinkly wilderness years, they will stop at nothing to learn the secret of Hussein’s younger-looking skin and moustache.

• OLIVE OIL
It’s a well-known fact that Saddam owns the biggest collection of Popeye videos in the world, and Bush wants them bad. The Iraqi dictator might well be able to fool the UN cartoons inspectors but America knows what they sold him – and now they want paying Tuesday.

With all this smoking gun evidence mounting like a slut on a mountain bike, on a mountain, it’s obvious exactly what is greasing the wheels of the war machines in the West Minster and Washington Town: it’s a mix of patchouli, extra virgin and Castrol GTX, probably.

Deep fat fry-tening stuff indeed.

Sorry.