Cheggins shows us a taste of some of the fun he's lining up for the big Jordan sprogdrop.   Reporter: Laid-back Mexican filth expert Rocky Fernandez says "Don't talk to me about filth - I wrote the book on filth." And it's true, too. The Book On Filth by Rocky Fernandez is out now, by penguins.

Cheggars plays pop to Jordan's mom.

High-voiced low-rent TV ex-personality Keith Chegwin has bought the rights to the forthcoming Jordan childbirth webcast, which he himself will now introduce nakedly via his single-bedroom-based internet channel cheggersbedroom.com

Wacky Cheggars (real name Keithwin Cheggington) is rumoured to have paid out a massive chest full of cash to massive-chested Jordan’s massive management company, Huge Tits Management plc. for the 36 double-deal.

And if the gossip mill is to be believed (which it is), rumours have it that the words on the street are “no” and “crikey”, as former pop-playing boozed-up blonde bombsite Keith is said to be training in midwifery so that he will be able to “exec produce” the birth on the day.

Tiny-knobbed Cheggy (nickname Winky Keithycheg) will be as naked on the day Jordan’s baby is born as the day he was born, wearing nothing but his birthday suit – just like Jordan’s baby will be when it pops out, unclothed and with nothing on.

Waving a giant comedy baby’s rattle between Jordan’s legs, zany Cheggles hopes to coax the baby out and keep viewers entertained at the same time.

Loggers-on will also be invited to guess the baby’s age and sexiness, with top prizes and gives-aways to be won including a Playstation 2, a trip for three to Puerto Rico and a signed phial of foul Jordan’s vile amniotic fluids.

Jordan is due to hatch out on May 16th.

It’s a rock-out!

STOP PRESS........ The pop that pop-playing Cheggars will be playing on the big day will mostly be not pop at all, but rock. Cheggers remains thin-lipped (and small-penised) but the sensible money is on a line-up by Status Quo.

DID YOU KNOW?
The post of Prime Minister of Britain carries with it an official country estate, named “Cheggers” after the chubbly bubbly TV presenter himself.