The band's former dead ringer for Lennin, right, for whom the bell tolled little Mark Chapman to do it, do it, do it right now. Which he then did.   Writer: By Morris Trotter. He's dead good on the good and the dead. But not very quick.

Hard day's fake night for Bootleg Beatles.

The Bootleg Beatles’ current tour of poxy proley technics and crap corporate conventions has been cancelled due to an unforeseen death in the band. Paul McCartney look-alike Luke Spitwad, who appears on stage as John Lennon, was last night found killed dead in his hotel room after singing lots of songs by The Beatles at a gig last night by The Bootleg Beatles.

Ending the concert with “Am I The Wall, Russ?” Spitwad AKA Lennon disappeared up to his room to smoke a fake fag joint and write some pretend poetry. An hour later the rest of the counterfeit band heard the bang of a gun being shot and then shot themselves up one at a time up the stairs two at a time to see at once what all the commotion was about.

Great bat's pee

The commotion was all about the floor, in a pool of bloods: namely the body of the copycat “Lennon” lying face down in a pool of red liquid (bloods), his brains splattered on the walls and his skin all yellow like little Ben Hardwick’s. A man with large hair and big glasses was stood in the middle of the room clutching a copy of The Great Gatsby and sobbing like a baby do. In his hand was a gun, still warm, and happy.

The police, having been called out, sure enough arrived and arrested the man’s wrists. The assassin was revealed to be a stalker of the group calling himself “The Bootleg Mark Chapman”, and admitted to the gunning of the fake Lennon, claiming he had become obsessed with the band after seeing them play at an Anglian Windows conference in Coventry.

When asked why he did it, Bootleg Mark Chapman said, coldly:

"I first saw Luke Spitwad as a cardboard cutout on an album cover, it was “Sargeant Pepper's Bootleg Lonely Hearts Club Band”. When I went to the hotel room and shot him I knocked him right off his feet, and I don’t feel because of that I have any right to be standing on my feet here, you know, asking for anything, let alone an autograph. I don’t have a leg to stand on because I took his right out from under him, and he bled to death, on a big posh carpet on the floor."

BACKLEG BOOTBEAT

The Bootleg Beatles formed in 1979 from the cast of the West End musical Beatlemania. One of their many claims is that they have been together longer than the Beatles, whose music they play, note for painstaking fucking note, for audiences all over the world, sometimes.