|
Cock-a-doodle-DON'T.
A deadly
new virus has been blamed for the almost entire
annilihation of the UK's cockerel population.
Top chicken boffin Martin Cluckers, 34, a member
of the right wing group Poultry Force spoke this
week to a packed town hall in Truro. He referred
to the virus as 'Poultronous Exterminus Hominus'
and revealed that it could be months before a
vaccine was developed.
P.E.H., as it has become known,
acts by attacking the central nervous system of
a cock and killing it until dead. It is thought
that up to 80% of the UK's cock population may
have been hit.
This has caused chaos in
our rural communities, as entire villages have
remained asleep until lunchtime, starved of the
only method of waking up that they understand.
Several hundred farms and small
businesses have been squeezed into bankruptcy
since cocks started dying two weeks ago.
All this despite the best efforts
of City aid workers, such as Davina McCall (43)
who used to be not so fat. She is masterminding
a 'clocks for cocks' charity from her swish flat
in London's swinging Beak Street. Her plan has
been to organise a series of alarm clock drops
from hot air balloons into the worst hit areas.
So far however, none of those
country folk have been able to make the alarm
clocks work correctly and satellite pictures have
shown huge alarm clock bonfires. It is also believed
that some of the clocks have been thrown into
locks by superstitious bumpkins - much to the
malaise of the barge community.
Scientists have been working
frantically to bring an end to this crisis. Their
latest scheme involves attempting to get the bewildered
peasants to stop drinking cider into the small
hours and convincing them to have early nights.
Failing this, they'll try to teach pigs to get
up early and make a pig racket. |
