ASDA la vista, baby.
Robotic barbarian beefcake Arnold
Schwarzenegger has been muscled out of
Hollywood following a hamstring of weedy flicks
and has now started work in his hardest role yet:
rolling back the prices at Asdas.
Austrian Arnold, ousted from
his post as last action hero by several
next action heroes, decided to move to the Big
Smoke and work in the wide 'spaz-friendly' aisles
of the big Beak Street Asda "Metro"
after conceding that he was probably a bit too
bright to be president.
Arnold’s main duties now
include organising total product recalls
and jingling all the way to the tills with
extra bags of two pees (not toupees). However,
Asda say they have “made it fucking and abundantly
clear” that the star’s contract will
be terminated instantly if he Asda-smacks
any girls’ arses with his colossal concrete
mitts.
A new series of Asda adverts
featuring the Nazi muscleman's muscles will begin
next month. The first, in which Arnold deals with
a customer’s tricky bacon-based query, will
be a return to form for the Kindergarten Flop,
culminating in his popular catch phrase, “Aisle
B, back.”
Subsequent ads will see Arnold
shooting tinned foods with his pricing gun; turning
into 'Mr Freeze' in the frozen peas section; throwing
sprouts at the muscles from Brussels; and trolley-dashing
through the aisles in a Running Man-style
take on Supermarket Sweep, armed with rocket launchers,
wheel-knives and a fetching yet affordable pair
of George sunglasses.
That's why Sly's
gone to Iceland
Green-eyed cronie Sylvester
Stallonie has double-bagged himself a job at Icelands
in a bid to outdo his Hollywood rival - but because
of his twisted face and alienspeak, Sly can only
work silently and at nights, using Rambo-style
tactics to retrieve trolleys from thieving cockney
scrubbers. |
