So now we have the Full Great Greasy English Fried Up British Breakfast that we have just made sitting right there in front of us on a plate, what to do now? That’s right: eat it. But how? Here’s a few pointers in the right directions of a how to that.

Breakfast posture: Eat in sitting position only, on a chair, under a table, legs down, head up. Don’t try any other positions for eating in; doggy style looks stupid and is very un of the comfortable. Eat like a man would, or a woman.

Knife and fork: essential eating items of modern day life, to be held in the hands properly and eating to be foods of.

Also napkin: Napkins are not for laps, and laps aren’t for napkins. Save those for dancers, dogs and tops. Where napkins should go is tucked into collars, like the bib, to stop food stuffs falling down fronts, be they shirt or otherwise. Tuck it in and then…

Tuck fucking in: Remember. With knife and fork hold and chop breakfast items in a clockwise motion starting with a piece of sausage. Add onto waiting fork bacon bit, part of egg, some bean and pudding or any other combination that suits your fancy. Next stuff in waiting gob and chew it up. Repeat until full/finished and/or both.

And the finish: At the eatings end to signify you’ve finished your meal place knife and fork together, like a gent would do with his wife’s legs after copulation, to show that he’s had enough and he’s all done. Thankyou. Now go and have a big dump. Ahhh, that’s better.