BEANS

Beans come from a tin.

Invented by professor Heinz Woollf (see eggs) they were made up in his head as a way of providing a food to poor people, and they do.

Go to any supermarket, especially KwikSave (sick) (sic.) in Lewisham and you can witness for yourself the working classes filling their trolleys with tin upon tin upon tin upon tin and at only 6p per unit who can blame them. Not me: I shop at Waitrose.

Beans at breakfast should be unwrapped of their metallic container, placed into a saucepan and cook slowly but longly.

They need to start loosing shape, thickening up, sticking about. It’s then that they are ready, and a tablespoon full per person should suffice as a portion for each individual sat at the breakfast table, whoever they may be.